Lunes, Mayo 21, 2018

i slept in a room with a dead dog by my bedside

you  were once a  beast, but that soon changed when you were about to be given up & eliminated except that i refused, and that i have to take you into my room just to spare you. from there you started to show me you were  not the beast they thought you to be. you were just a brave soul refusing to give up or get beaten by awful things a human can do. that you just needed to protect yourself. that you were fully misunderstood.

out of mercy i made a quiet promise to shoulder responsibility of taking care of you and your  needs whatever it takes. we co-lived together in my small room. it was a rigorous task to take at first taking-in  another life with me. despite that you never asked too much & you never seem to complain. to be honest, i was not able give  you all the comfort, neither every little time and detail but for you, what you had was already enough.

sometimes when i hit rock-bottom i had to move you closer to my bed to share those times with you. and amazingly, pain will disappear.

sometimes i went out-of-town for days or weeks and would forget about you but you didn’t fail to remind me every time i got back, that someone had patiently waited  and upon hearing my voice on the doorstep you would get frantically excited. even on some short errands when i had to be out for a few hours you were the first one to greet me excitedly when i’m back as if telling that you’ve been alone for a while and you became worried once again.

ten years seemed long but not quite for me. it just felt like yesterday when i had to walk you to the backyard…or scratch your back and pet you…or bathe you clean...or simply enjoying each other’s company. you were an unsung friend that i kept and lived with from day to day. and those basic things made you happy.

at some point in my quiet moments just staring at you, i realized i could hear my fear of either of us losing the other. and i thought that was a strange idea. departure—how could i think about that? i got so used to the lifestyle of having you around that you’ve become so part of my everyday schedule, so part of  my routine. so part of me.  we may not speak each other’s language but in our hearts we understood every bit of one another.

..but then again that dreaded day has finally come, for you.

this time i might not be able to refuse. even if i wanted  to  spare you a bit longer i may not be able to do it anymore. i noticed you became a lot more sleepy and you would skip some meals. one meal, two meals, eventually goes skipping meals for several days.  i remember going out just to buy our favorite food only when i gave some, you just wagged your tail slightly and laid back down. i was worrying. i knew you loved going to the backyard every morning so i’d take you there longer than i'd usually do, but one morning, you didn't get up. or maybe you became too weak to get up. from that minute i knew: your destiny has brought you to this point. if only i have  the power to stop you from getting old, frail, and weak. 

you would stay close to my bed and i would stroke your head & would repeatedly whisper your name to your ear  the same way i would often call you out to let you know that i was there and that you weren’t alone in the room, hoping it would give you the courage to hold on or better yet, help ease whatever pain you felt at those moments. as if to acknowledge the gesture, you would weakly wag your tail and shortly after that you would again lay your head down. those were the final days.

that night of 19th May 2018, i slept with that empty vessel you left by my bedside lying on the floor stiff. i buried it the following morning with my brother.

i sincerely hope you felt my gratitude—my four-legged angel. i never thought that i’d share some uniquely profound company, but i will make myself at peace with what remains.. that something thoughtful could be shared by two different beings of two different souls. i have long accepted your gratitude of becoming a part of our family with me  as  your big brother. everything may have not been perfect, but the most important thing was that we gracefully expended those years together with mutual respect, and made most of what was temporarily available.

though this is heavy i’m letting you free and know that you won’t have to worry, i can assure it’s a lot easier and beautiful there. you will be better. i won’t leave out from this pain too soon for it’s a beautiful kind of pain—the kind that reminds me of the good times, the bad, the ordinary and exceptional moments you and i witnessed together and that i wanted you to know that forever, you and the stashes of good remembrances of Tingkoy will be safely kept in the deepest of my fond memories.

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Martes, Mayo 15, 2018

the illusion of a happy-ever-after

weddings here, weddings there, weddings almost everywhere. this year alone i already have witnessed a number of delightful weddings with some of my friends already conceding to the norm and that they have reached a point where they have to settle down and begin a new chapter of their lives creating and rearing family of their own. well clearly i have nothing against for as long as, 1.The Couple is 100% sure of their decision and will forever be reinforced to the idea that marriage is through thick & thin and  not just happiness all along; 2.Both already have lived singlehood enough that there is no turning back to it anymore; 3.Both are stable enough in all aspects to consider bringing another life as part of each others’.

those things given, don’t we all find nuptials surreal and lovely? like, if we can just lengthen the feast and don’t make it end right away skipping the juicy parts? like, you can literally smell the roses everywhere and feel the entourages’ enthusiasm eagerly attending to the needs of the couple in-love sp. the bride during the painstaking wedding progression, yeah? i don’t normally turn down wedding invites if only and whenever i could i would be there because weddings are just interesting, don't you think?, so everybody should be there. and whoever doesn’t get teary during the dramatic slaying of vows? as if..LOL

and everything is actually the exact opposite, haha..#kontrabidamodeOn #bitchgoals

no offense. and the most cringey parts? right: priests giving advises to the couple and their families as if they've been themselves married and, the silly watda-eff reception ceremonies. aside from the meal, you all familiar with what else happens there right? every individual who’s not yet married should or not hell get outta there as things are about to get squirmish, which everybody seem to enjoy except me. prepare as you are about to go through the hair-raising awkwardness. as for the couples, how about the thought of living a normal day after all that? LOL

recently somebody that i used to know got married, and unfortunately, i was able to take a glimpse of some of their wedding photos courtesy of facebook

does he look familiar? not that the foto clearly showed-off his face because it didn't, but he should be, he was that guy i used to fancy. yes dudes he is off the shelves now that he’s already tied the knot! i didn’t feel anything except…uhmm, to just be glad about it? luckily before all these took place, i already had long gotten out of that fairy bubble of daydream before i could experience that painfully awkward wretchedness of today. #intentionalredundance. sarcasm aside, lanakumpake: i have honestly completely moved on already. everything went totally way okay after us. and though i wasn't and won't ever be invited to his wedding, i thank him anyhow. he spared me the cringe. *wink!
on a serious note, cheers and congratulations to them the newlyweds. may you both get to the end of your married life together, and with the family that you will build be sincerely committed and true to your vows and be forever happy. :))

disclaimer: i do not own rights to the photos. credits to the photographer and owners.

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                    a look back at the conversations i had: I'm gay. i want it out!
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Biyernes, Mayo 04, 2018

God's Own Country (movie review)

Set in Yorkshire, England, the exceptional story began upon the arrival of a Romanian migrant worker Gheorghe, hired as extra help in the farm during the lambing season. Johnny Saxby meanwhile, was a young farmer who has taken cared of the farm alone when Martin—his father—suffered a stroke, and his grandmother Deidre is old for farm work.

Johnny was closed off and didn’t have a sunny relationship towards the two older kin, added the stress and pressure by the things needed to be met every day, he numbs his daily frustrations with binge drinking and casual gay encounters. Despite these, he always insisted that “he will manage”.

Their relationship was ignited when they were set out to the mountains to herd and take care of the sheeps and to continue building the fence around their property. One morning, Johnny aggressively confronts Gheorghe while he was pissing, which turned out to be a wild sex on the muddy ground. Those events happened subsequently between them throughout and slowly Johnny has started to open himself up a little more. 

The texture and feel of the movie is reminiscent to Brokeback Mountain’s raw and quiet demonstration of just feelings and emotions, with ample amount of nudity, only that it’s a lot dirtier, literally and figuratively. Like you can literally smell mud and dung on the barn. Often, the viewers get only stares, gazes, and quiet moments on a bonfire between these two characters but the silence spoke a lot. 

The movie tells us that it is very difficult to face challenges alone, that at some point one needs some company to share the burden with especially at times when things become too dire to get grip.

The foreshadowing of the building of fence in-between them could be a symbol of the barrier that Johnny has built around himself through the years, his isolation to the world and his dimming hope towards a better life. Meanwhile Gheorghe on the other side of the fence, was telling him that “his country is beautiful, but lonely” implicating that there is much hope left but you need someone by your side to see those fading glint of chances, should one never feel joy even with  the stunning landscapes around when alone. 

This is one remarkable movie indeed.

Though the environment around them was always hostile, and even them two having problems at times, everything ended up well in the movie which, I didn’t expect. I mean, yes, it guarantees a big smile on the conclusion as you will get up on your seat to clap your hands. 

Fun Facts:
  1. To prepare for their roles as farmers, the director made the two actors live and work in a farm for several weeks prior shooting the movie. All scenes containing graphic images of animals are real and where shot on location at a real farm nearby the director's childhood home, without using body doubles for the actors.
  2. Josh O’Connor’s performance in the movie was so superb that one can really virtually notice his transformation from a smiley, adorable guy in person to a totally fucked-up troublesome Johnny.
Main Casts:
1. Josh O’Connor (as Johnny Saxby)
2. Alec Secareanu (as Gheorghe Ionescu)
3. Ian Hart (as Martin Saxby)
4. Gemma Jones (as Deidre Saxby)

Written&Directed by: Francis Lee
Country of origin: UK
Run time: 105mins

Martes, Mayo 01, 2018

Call Me By Your Name (movie review)


A tale of a blossoming special relationship between a teenage boy Elio, and Oliver—a visiting graduate student from the US invited by Mr. Perlman—Elio’s father, a professor in archaeology for a thesis work. Set in the summer of 1983 in Crema, Italy.

As the two characters began to spend more time together, Elio’s attraction to Oliver also grew, which eventually led to a subtle confession over his feelings to the man. They’ve often gone out for a swim, or rode to the countryside on bikes, and even at some point slept together. They wanted to keep their relationship a secret because Oliver (24) is a repressed gay man, and is much older than the boy (17), who is just beginning to explore his own sexuality as well. 

The movie evokes a relaxed and peaceful countryside-dwelling feel, with lush landscapes and rich historical landmarks. It might suggest a story of a ‘temporary’ love that was in a way convenient in the sense that, both might never had experienced or explored ‘that’ idea before and since they both had hetero relationships in the movie. Ironically, it was also a tale that involved flies, and peaches. *wink!

I would say it is one of the most unforgettable movies I have ever watched. Perfect setting, delivery of all the main characters, and its simplicity made it more of a lighter film. Chalamet’s take on Elios character, with his body language and mannerisms, was really worthy of notice and attention. And there were other stories to be discovered in the movie like that of his father’s similar close-but-not-quite experience. On the other hand, the original soundtracks by SufjanStevens worked perfectly well with the movie theme. It absolutely added to the nostalgia. 

I was anxious & interested though to find out exactly how the love story will progress, like in what manner a teenage boy—whose interests were very apart—would see light towards the older counterpart’s interests as well, and how they become interconnected...because it is always a curious matter just how two different people meet and develop a certain special kind of bond. And that curiosity was in a way not met within my personal expectations.

The story primary teaches it’s viewers to never cut away from feeling pain or grief, because it is part of the growing, the learning, and dealing with love and life in general. And experiences that we consider special come rare. Personally, it literally had some profound effect that will surely linger in me for a very long time, same I had since Brokeback Mountain and Stand by Me Doraemon, and am still having an emotional hangover at the moment. Finally, the ruminating at the fireplace scene will definitely be indelibly impressed on each of the viewer’s memories—a very well-thought, touching, and thought-provoking end credit segment.

Fun Facts:
  1. The entire film was shot in sequence.
  2. The movie grossed $40.6m as compared to its $3.5M only production budget. (WOW!)
  3. At its premiere at the Sundance Film Festival on January 2017, Call Me by Your Name received a standing ovation,  followed by a ten-minute ovation—the longest recorded in the festival's history—at its New York Film Festival on October the same year screening at the Alice Tully Hall.
Main Casts:
1. Timothée Chalamet (as Elio Perlman)
2. Armie Hammer (as Oliver)
3. Michael Stuhlbarg (as professor Perlman)
4. Almira Casar (as Annella Perlman)

Written by: James Ivory (based on a novel of the same title, by André Aciman)
Directed by: Luca Guadagnino
Location: Crema, Italy
Run time: 132mins

Miyerkules, Abril 18, 2018

the pseudo-pamamanhikan, pt-3


PART 3 of 3. minsan, kahit gaano man katindi ng ating nararamdaman para sa isang tao, kailingan pa rin nating bigyan ng  sapat na pagitan ang sarili sa maari pang mangyari sa tamang panahon. hindi kasi lahat ng akala  nating  signs ay tama at tiyak na talaga, lalo na’t sa panig ko ako ang me malaking  pagkakagusto kasi ako yung na-fall para sa tao. kung yun din ang nararamdaman niya,  sa kanya na yon. lalabas at lalabas din yon at magtatagpo ang aming mga landas kahit ano pa man. at siyempre, gagawa ng paraan ang tadhana, kailangan lang nating makinig at maghintay. at sadyang me dahilan kung bakit dumarating ang mga tao sa ating buhay, kung ano man iyon.

pagkabalik natin sa inyo, tinanong mo’ko kung gusto ko na bang kumain ng buko, pahinga ka muna, busog pa din naman ako, tugon ko sa ‘yo. ikaw rin kasi naghugas ng pinggan bago tayo namasyal sa sapa; at parang halos buong-araw ka nang gumagalaw na hindi nagpapahinga, dagdag ko pa. ang sipag-sipag mo. naaawa at naku-cutan na ako sa’yo at the same time. pinaparamdam mo talaga na importante akong tao sa buhay mo.

makalipas lang ang ilang sandali, lumabas ka na ng bahay bitbit ang itak, at nagsimula nang umakyat sa niyog. noong una akala ko madali lang manguha ng buko pero nakita kong mahirap pala talaga. wala pa don yung makagat ka ng mga langgam at ibang insekto sa itaas ng puno. me tatlo na tayong nakuha, sinabi ko sa’yong tama na ang lima. pero lumipat ka pa pala sa ibang puno at dinagdagan mo ng lima pa.

pagkababa mo, batid ko ang hirap na dinanas mo para makalikum ng sampung buko, hehe. gusto sana kitang punasan kasi ang dungis-dungis mo na. at dahil hindi ka nagsuot ng damit pang-itaas, napansin kong me abs ka pala, hehehe.. SIGN? LOL. #maybe #kinilig.

ilang sandali matapos naten magmeryenda kasama ng ate mo, dumating na si nanay, at sumunod si tatay. ayan kompleto na tayo, pwede na talaga akong mamanhikan. kung medyo madaldal si tatay, si nanay tinodo na niya, hehehe.. nakakatuwa siya, parang nadagdagan ang buhay sa loob ng bahay, at tinodo ko na rin ang kapal ng aking mukha, #tryinghard. masaya tayong nagkwentuhan at parating tumatawa. napakasaya ng pamilya niyo, kaya pala mabuti kang tao kasi mabait din ang mga magulang mo. 

sana balang araw maipagtapat ko na talaga, napu-fall na ako sa ‘yo. seryoso. at sana matanggap mo ‘yon ng buo. :)

pasado alas-singko na ng hapon nang sinabi kong kailangan ko nang bumalik ng CdeO. gusto ko sanang manatili pa ng matagal pero baka wala nang bus na masakyan at medyo nag-alala ako, biyernes-santo na kasi kinabukasan. sinuyo niyo akong dito na lang maghapunan, at sinabi pa ni nanay na bukas na lang daw ako umuwi at doon tayo patutuluging dalawa sa kabilang kwarto (DING! DING! DING! Pramis, natuwa talaga ako dito!), pero saka na lang muna. kahit hindi ako ma-inarte alam kong makakaabala pa rin ako sa inyo. at extra shirt lang din yung aking dala wala nang iba! LOL. 

inihatid mo ako ng iyong motor patungong bus stop. habang tahimik at nakaangkas sa likod mo, marami akong narealise sa araw na ito: na wag basta-bastang bibitaw sa pag-asa. pag-asang inakala mong wala na pero bigla na lang lilitaw ulit nang di mo inasahan. habang me buhay me pag-asa, yep, as cliché and gasgas as it may sound. at, merong magbibigay ng halaga sa pagkatao mo kahit minsan, ang tingin mo sa saril’iy wala ka nang kwenta. at ang mas importante, habang me buhay me pag-ibig kang ipagpasalamat sa Itaas, anumang uri ng  pag-ibig ‘yon para sa isang napaka-halagang tao.

at labis at taus-puso po akong magdadasal na hindi dito magtatapos ang kwentong ito.

and i. . . Thank You.

pic kuha ng kanyang ate. #can'tContainMyHappiness


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Lunes, Abril 09, 2018

the pseudo-pamamanhikan, pt-2

PART 1 here.

PART 2 of 3. mamimili muna ako ng kaunting pasalubong, kailangan magpa-impress sa tatay at nanay, at mga future in-laws. pero kunti lang para di masyadong effort at trying hard. di masyadong halata. LOL.  matutuwa sana sila.

march 29, 2018, Holy Thursday ay dumating na. maaga akong nagising: deezeeezdadey bakla! wala nang atrasan itwu at wala nang makakapigil sa pamamanhikan paggala ko. excited at kinakabahan, yung feeling ng parang magde-debut o  ikakasal ka? charut. reality: parang natatae. ilang sandali pa'y me natanggap akong text, “Good Morning. Holythursday”. maaga ka nga rin palang gumugising kaya't bumangon at naghanda na ako.

nangako kang ipaghahanda mo ‘ko ng native na manok, ‘yon rin kasi ang aking nirequest. at sinabi mo mangunguha tayo ng buko kasi maraming puno ng niyog doon.

But I've been so strong
Can it be true
It's like a mystery too soulful
For you broke my resolve
Now I'm fighting I try
but I cannot deny

that I could really go for you..

yon ang sabi sa lyrics ng kantang pinapakinggan ko habang  nasa bus. at marahil, iyon din talaga nararamdaman ko sa mga oras na ‘yon.

naghintay ka ng halos 20-minutos kasi nahuli ng dating ang bus na sinakyan ko. pagkababa agad mo ‘kong nakita’t kinawayan, dilaw ang suot mong shirt, naka-shades, at nakasandal sa motor mong kulay asul dala-dala ang native na manok na kabibili mo lang. medyo nangitim ka ng kunti pero, myGawd, lalo kang gumwapo! ewan ko pero nagkasalubong ang mga malalaki nating ngiti. sa matagal na panahon, nasilayan na naman natin ang isa’t-isa.
looking back, i realised, "there could really be" something
sinalubong ako ng ate at kuya mo pagkarating natin sa bahay niyo. wow, welcome ako agad ng aking future bayaw at hipag. pareho silang mahiyain kaya’t nakihiya ra rin ako. slight  lang dapat ang ngiti at kunyari mahina ang boses. wag lakasan ang tawa. maya-maya pa'y dumating na si tatay galing trabaho (me work sila sa hwebes-santo). masayahing tao si tatay at medyo  madaldal kaya’t di na  rin umubra yong pagkukunwari ko. masarap siyang kausap, ipinaalala niya yong mga panahong maliit pa ako. namangha ako sa kanya kasi magkaibigan din kasi  parents naten. SIGNS na talaga itwu.

sa tulong ng iyong kuya, agad niyong inihanda yung manok para gawing tinola. quarter-to-eleven na rin tama lang para pananghalian. naging bisi kayo, feeling ko para akong napaka-importanteng bisita, para akong namamanhikan. nahiya ako bigla. 

naubusan ako ng tubig sa balde panghugas at literal mo’kong pinag-igib, sa poso sa labas (DING!). 

pagkatapos nating mananghalian pahinga muna ako sa kawayan niyong luklukan, nakikinig ng classic lovesong oldies, at nag-iemote nang bigla mo akong tinabihan. ya, gusto mo bang mamasyal sa may sapa?, tanong mo. xa nga pala bago ako nakarating sa inyo, inisip kong sana mabigyan tayo ng time yung tayong dalawa lang.. at marahil ito na ‘yon. SIGN na naman. tumayo ako kaagad, tara!

pumunta tayo sa may sapa pero natawa ako kasi, walang tubig. sapa lang xa na walang tubig. LOL. summer nga pala kaya natutuyo  ang sapa. tahimik ka lang, baka nasurprise ka rin kasi tuyo nga pala  pag summer at di mo yon agad naisip. sinabi mo ring di ka  na  parating pumupunta  dito pero dito mo pa rin ako dinala. sa unahan me tubig kaya doon tayo tumungo. tahimik lang tayong pareho habang ang mga paa natin ay nababasa, ang sinag ng araw ay pumupunta sa ating mga mukha mula sa malamig na tubig. batid ko na sanang sabihin na ang totoong nararamdaman para sa ‘yo, pero dinala ito ng marahang daloy ng katahimikan. inenjoy na lang muna naten iyon na walang ibang maririnig na tunog kundi ang ating malalim na paghinga at ang patuloy na agos ng tubig sa sapa. ano rin kaya iniisip mo sa mga panahong ‘yon? kahit gaano na katindi nasa loob ko, sinabi ko na lang muna ng tahimik

“..Lord, saka na lang.”

to be continued...

related posts: werk: paghahanda sa future
                     tell him
                     eetcha date. daw
                     when loneliness sets in