Martes, Agosto 14, 2018


i will lay on the ground where the soil warm, and the grass new. under a reverie that time yields with eyes set towards the blue yonder i will run round slopes of vignette pictures of ever-shifting daydreams designating away life’s complexity. the euphony of peace will gently breathe into my sentiments on a transcendent crossover, immersed at a juvenile sun that inundates through the slopes of  promises of verve and absolute simplicity. 
amidst this austere state of hectic reality i dwelt in a lonely shell following the same footsteps before life’s exasperation dins the cacophony of madness against a once exuberant spirit. the constraints and its unsettling awareness—the reason to flee, the reason to retreat into our own thought-made havens.

we would craft our own euphoria. some broadened and swelled having innards of desire and love,  others—of good fortune and dreams. or, simply on solace and relief! wherever those transit leads, with or without hesitations only the respite of the soul shall regain its peace. but to him who’s favored to stay in the same old burrow will forever carry the resentment of his own enouement.

but this idea has tilted further towards a bizarre obsession.

now, i am drawn into this engendered idyllia arriving over a fabricated pane of alter-reality, this once, where my skin eases and the mind quietens; least this idyllic world—those disconcerting consciousness is within my own restrain. but what decorated this kaleidoscopic utopia are the glittery thoughts itself that i contrived—with its mellowed seasons the air is as soothing as spring; where the solstice shines like rhinestones that closes to an evening of deep synthetic sapphire. as if i’ve stepped-in on a diurnal faraway from where everybody is. and it is on that balmy skin of earth these feet trudged i was able to surmise there is nowhere i would rather be. and no one should ever find me too soon.

with serenity as the only reprieve, i bear no ill-tempered heart that pretends nor hold a bitter mouth that speaks sugar-coated words, or carry brief minutes of hardened cynicism.  only here the asylum, an incorruptible place: unconditioned—whole. everything that sends out a whiff of  resentment will be mere dusts that will trickle to the landscapes that roll endlessly over this undented space of mirth and quietude. 

the repose of those incongruous hours captivated over time's transience never parted away from the open fields of blissful solace. once the mind absorbs, the prose that tendrilled within the musings were those that were partly lived, haply every contentment yet do hang on them. i will always come home and bring no bad news with me.

after i lost myself in the magic of withdrawing in solitude i take along the names of things i came across:
as the rhapsodies of the running brook; the prismatic sprinkle that almost wraps the earth; as the inscrutable respiration of the verdant land, it’s drone. as with the first few sunflowers that unveil, or as the dandelions like children of summer liberating themselves away their mother's clench; as the skyshadows and of the heartwaters heaved above the electric mouth of the sky. we be well-aware we are ensnared in the confines of a substantial onism and we the temporal fibers; and truth only—where our foremost frontier is—bears the might of wisdom no bounds should ever contain.

so shall we all rest on a ground where the soil is warm and the grass new? running on our own landscapes, bathing under the constant rain of a citron sun? so we can shut very pleasantly to summon a moment therein.. don’t ever pull back too quickly—for you may not want that immersive journey's amniotic tranquility dissolve in your awareness to soon. for as long as we breathe deeply for that solemn upkeep of reflective understanding, the sequel of those insightful episodic daydreams..must go on.

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Huwebes, Hulyo 12, 2018

isa na namang pagpapaalam

matagal  na  kaming magkaibigan ni Caroline, hayskul pa lang barkada na kami. kami talaga yung sikat na grupong Spice Girls bago ako umalis at nagsolo, at ang grupo ay nagkawatak-watak. charut. last saturday, 7th July, may padespedida  party na inihanda ng kanyang mga kapatid at syempre, imbayted ang dingalou. kahit nga sa lakas ng julanis at muntikan na akong malunod sa baha at di makarating sa partee nang ma-trap ng halos 48yrs sa isang tindahan/waiting shed eh kineri pa rin ng aking fabulous white rubber shoes na nagkaputik-putik sa walang sing-bonggakeang weather disturbance. all in  the name of soul sisterhood. at yung pamangkin niyang si Popoy na medyo bet!

recently halos si Caroline nakakasama ko palagi. ang beshing si Dacota kasi busy palagi sa maternal duties niya, maliit pa kasi yung baby. almost every weekend na kami ni Caroline nagha-hangout, nanunood ng sine, nagkakape, dinner, ogling at boys,  or just being our shala selves.. LOL. kaya updated ako sa progress  ng kanyang fiancĂ© visa application at nang ma-approve na sila.

hindi pa masyadong nagsisink-in sa akin na siya, sa miyerkules11th July, ay magmamigrate na papuntang amerika, tuloy na talaga ang laban mamah! isa po siyang  90-day fiancĂ© #you’reRoad! #isakanghighway ng isang kanong nurse-eslash-former wrestler-eslash-former college athlete na naging jowee mead-king niya ng halos dalawang taon. clear ko lang, di po success story to ha kasi hindi oklahoma city thunders ang everloo, mas bata pa nga ng 2yrs eh. ODB (o di ba)? at kasama niya sa biyahe ang inaanak kong si Ron.

sabi ko nga:

A happy life is better than a happy thought.

meaning, you must keep chasing those things that make you happy no matter what and where it takes you, rather than just merely thinking about having a happy life; something that i myself find so hard to do. and knowing a risk-taker that she is, alam kong yon talaga gagawin niya. she’s one of those very few na nakakaalam sa mga exploits ng frogletang  iyong lingkod. maliban pa don ang pagiging reyna mapilantik ang mata (na  hindi na masyadong secret ngayon kasi tanggap ko na), kaya gustuhin man namin o hindi bff kami. we share our filthiest & darkest secrets. we also share and relate on dirty jokes.

to be honest, madidepressed na naman ako nito. another remarkable person, one of my best gurls ang mawawala na naman sa akin..the experience of having Caroline around. pero ayokong ipakita ang lungkot na ito. kaka-post ko lang ng madramang blog about my beloved aso na pumanaw tapos ito na naman. #nonodrama

palagi niyang binibiro sa akin na susunod ako sa kanya agad kasi ihahanap niya ako ng afam. at dahil bitchessa ang peg at mahilig mag-inarte sinabi kong di ko masyadong bet mga afam noypi pa rin ang type ng baklita! kung afam man gusto ko yung tisoy na black-american. aylavett big, dark, and mean! LOL. #bbc #wasokwasakpagpasok #kungmakaarte #baklangchoosey #bitchessamarie #maganDuh!

at bago siya umalis, me malaking pabor siyang hiningi. me ihahabilin daw siyang bagay na ako lang daw talaga ang pwedeng magmana: isang mahiwagang agimat. di na niya daw kasi kakailanganin ito doon at baka rin maharang pa xa sa airport. at alam niyang hindi ako tatanggi sa pa-debbie gibson niya. #preloved #advancebirthdaygiftniAte #pamananiLola #antinganting #pangarap #OMGsure!

itwu po yon

naku, magigimbal at mayayanig na naman ang buong uranus nito! kaya dapat maghanda kasi bawal umappear si snooky erna. at sabi pa niya wag akong mag-alala kasi slightly used lang daw talaga itwu.
at bonus, me batteries na xang isinama.

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Lunes, Mayo 21, 2018

i slept in a room with a dead dog by my bedside

you  were once a  beast, but that soon changed when you were about to be given up & eliminated except that i refused, and that i have to take you into my room just to spare you. from there you started to show me you were  not the beast they thought you to be. you were just a brave soul refusing to give up or get beaten by awful things a human can do. that you just needed to protect yourself. that you were fully misunderstood.

out of mercy i made a quiet promise to shoulder responsibility of taking care of you and your  needs whatever it takes. we co-lived together in my small room. it was a rigorous task to take at first taking-in  another life with me. despite that you never asked too much & you never seem to complain. to be honest, i was not able give  you all the comfort, neither every little time and detail but for you, what you had was already enough.

sometimes when i hit rock-bottom i had to move you closer to my bed to share those times with you. and amazingly, pain will disappear.

sometimes i went out-of-town for days or weeks and would forget about you but you didn’t fail to remind me every time i got back, that someone had patiently waited  and upon hearing my voice on the doorstep you would get frantically excited. even on some short errands when i had to be out for a few hours you were the first one to greet me excitedly when i’m back as if telling that you’ve been alone for a while and you became worried once again.

ten years seemed long but not quite for me. it just felt like yesterday when i had to walk you to the backyard…or scratch your back and pet you…or bathe you clean...or simply enjoying each other’s company. you were an unsung friend that i kept and lived with from day to day. and those basic things made you happy.

at some point in my quiet moments just staring at you, i realized i could hear my fear of either of us losing the other. and i thought that was a strange idea. departure—how could i think about that? i got so used to the lifestyle of having you around that you’ve become so part of my everyday schedule, so part of  my routine. so part of me.  we may not speak each other’s language but in our hearts we understood every bit of one another.

..but then again that dreaded day has finally come, for you.

this time i might not be able to refuse. even if i wanted  to  spare you a bit longer i may not be able to do it anymore. i noticed you became a lot more sleepy and you would skip some meals. one meal, two meals, eventually goes skipping meals for several days.  i remember going out just to buy our favorite food only when i gave some, you just wagged your tail slightly and laid back down. i was worrying. i knew you loved going to the backyard every morning so i’d take you there longer than i'd usually do, but one morning, you didn't get up. or maybe you became too weak to get up. from that minute i knew: your destiny has brought you to this point. if only i have  the power to stop you from getting old, frail, and weak. 

you would stay close to my bed and i would stroke your head & would repeatedly whisper your name to your ear  the same way i would often call you out to let you know that i was there and that you weren’t alone in the room, hoping it would give you the courage to hold on or better yet, help ease whatever pain you felt at those moments. as if to acknowledge the gesture, you would weakly wag your tail and shortly after that you would again lay your head down. those were the final days.

that night of 19th May 2018, i slept with that empty vessel you left by my bedside lying on the floor stiff. i buried it the following morning with my brother.

i sincerely hope you felt my gratitude—my four-legged angel. i never thought that i’d share some uniquely profound company, but i will make myself at peace with what remains.. that something thoughtful could be shared by two different beings of two different souls. i have long accepted your gratitude of becoming a part of our family with me  as  your big brother. everything may have not been perfect, but the most important thing was that we gracefully expended those years together with mutual respect, and made most of what was temporarily available.

though this is heavy i’m letting you free and know that you won’t have to worry, i can assure it’s a lot easier and beautiful there. you will be better. i won’t leave out from this pain too soon for it’s a beautiful kind of pain—the kind that reminds me of the good times, the bad, the ordinary and exceptional moments you and i witnessed together and that i wanted you to know that forever, you and the stashes of good remembrances of Tingkoy will be safely kept in the deepest of my fond memories.

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