Biyernes, Setyembre 28, 2012

times of emptiness

i hesitated for a moment slowly remembering what the password was. having numerous accounts on various social networking sites confused me, perhaps, on the very minute a monotonous moment like this dull me to the nerves.

my heart skipped a bit when upon entering the account at last, seeing a red hint right on the notifications bar—

got 2 messages.

it was almost accidental when a colleague brought up to the conversation this someone, when we talked the other day. someone i used to know. he that i already forgot……okay, spare me, trying to forget. the weight of the information was substantial in a way. i went home with a heft of weariness 

he already is with someone else”, she recounted.

there’s someone out there for me: i shove my mind to thinking as my thoughts swept through the details of my life when i strongly believed someone out there really exists. he may be lost as i am. but how can we meet? how can destiny align our paths and make our roads cross? will he be able to notice me? 

but i had enough of the thoughts

i have waited and waited and waited that it already has become mundane...something i casually do every single day.

i was still feeling the heft of the news. this is one of those days i hated most—i wanted to become so deeply upset and inflict on myself the ache but have gone numb after life’s everything caught up on me the past days. but thank God it’s almost bedtime.. so that night instead of honing the confidence i had for love, i went right to my computer hoping to find something roughly to fill such futile times—so the messages.

and i harked back to a familiar scene where i was leaning towards a dimly-lit computer monitor in a gloomily illuminated room, looking for that meaningless affection in the cyber universe where everyone there, though captivating and beautiful, flaunted smiles that bare out their own emptiness and longing. 

and i realized i am one of them 

because, it was the same longing and emptiness that have slain the buoyancy in me, as harrowing and sad as it sounds.

Photo Credit:


Biyernes, Setyembre 14, 2012

caterpillar moment

“dili na gyud na ihatag miga..” as it kept playing inside my head over and over again even at this time.
when can I have a boyfriend? this has always been a big question for me. i always fall for the wrong people and it has always been a secret admiration and a one-sided unrequited love. sometimes i am losing faith with love, corny. . .but i don’t wanna lose grip on hoping. i’ll be dead then.
i often daydream of a romantic date, imagining an intimate scenario with someone i haven’t met yet. yung tipong lahat panaginip lang, too good to be true at malabong magkatotoo? but the light of the daydream soon turned gray when something resonates to my brain like an earworm. it was something said. an unintentional statement
“dili na gyud na ihatag miga..”
i got a text from a long-lost friend na na-miss ko ng bongga, si janet inviting me to their town fiesta. unfortunately i had flu, “ ben, mi amiga. janet ni. libre ka? ali balay mista ta og aron mkachika ta!!! hehe” (ben, mi amiga. janet 'to. you free? it’s our fiesta. can u come over and so we can catch up!!) can’t drag my ass out of the house so i promised her a dinner date instead. we have so many catching-ups to do.
was really excited to see what my amiga has become. it has been more than a year since she worked abroad and we just apprised via facebook. she was an essential element to why i got guts to out myself to tonio, thus the email. i remember their controversial relationship with my best friend—who also happens to be a girl by the way—and always disclosing things with me, their issues and everything in-between.
she had been so sweet and nice ever since my best friend introduced us. at welcome na welcome ang pagiging baklang robot (badinggerzee!) ko sa kanya, me moral support at cheer pang kasama! i snuck into the restaurant entrance as it was raining hard. i got there first but she later arrived after a couple of minutes. “hi! omg!! gwapa na kay ka!!” (hi! omg!! ang ganda-ganda mo na!!), that wasn’t from her, but the reverse. “miga!!” as she put her soaked umbrella aside to greet me with a hug, “..musta na man ka?!” (musta ka na?!).
our conversation revolved around me talking about work, boys, my rants of me still being a virgin, and how i eluded a close sexual encounter. she was sharing about how her work and related how joyful she became after joining a Christian church. she and best friend have a new-found religion. it was kinda bittersweet to know that it was also one of the reasons their relationship ended. i remember i once joined a faction, but realized i had to pull myself out because i ain’t ready yet to deny myself and carry my cross. i also felt guilty knowing i can’t bring myself up in front of them (church friends) and reveal my true self, i was kind of me being untruthful about my identity, na beki belo ang totoo kung neym. kaloka!
 “hahaay, kanus-a pa kaha na ihatag akong knight miga. . .akong prince in shining armor.” (kelan kaya ibibigay ang knight ko, my prince in shining armor), i wearily sighed.
giving back a meaningful smile she finally told me
 “dili na gyud na ihatag miga..” (hindi na ‘yan ibibigay friend..).
up until now affected pa rin ang bakla sa sinabi niya. . . .
“dili na gyud na ihatag miga..”

Martes, Setyembre 04, 2012

on my twenty-enth

birthday ko kahapon. sandali sandali sandali..wag na kayong kumanta. please lang, hindi kayo si mariah mga beks. wag nang feeling at mag-effort. 12:57am nang maka-receive ako sa fone ng first greeting mula kay dacota. shett, talagang gumising pa xa ng hating gabi para bumati. ang sweet. napaka-thoughtful lang talaga niya. kung naging lalake lang xa siguro xa na ang naka-divirginize sa akin…pero hindi eh wala akong nararamdamang malisya. ewan ko lang sa kanya.

nagulat ako sa pangalawang bumati sa kaarawan kis, an old flame. isang taong matagal ko nang kinalimutan. isang taong masama ang loob ko kasi inindyan niya ako sa seb namin. seb ba kamo? oo, sana. handa na sana akong ibigay sa kanya ang bataan neng kung nakipagkita lang xa. pero hindi natuloy. aba ang mokong naaalala niya pa pala akis. panu kaya niya nalaman ang birthday ko, siguro nasabi ko noon at nakalimutan ko lang. hiyang-hiya nman ako sa kanya. choss.

sila lang ang bumati sa phone…. pero tatch pa rin ako kasi me naka-alala. me surpresa pang kasama.

pagdating ko ng opisina tahimik lang ang lahat. normal lang at go lang sa kani-kanilang usual na gawain ang mga bakla. walang grand entrance at pasabog na confetti. walang naka-alala, hunglungkot naman. at pansin ko lang ang papangit nilang lahat. pagkabukas ko ng fb aba, 34 notifications te! ay bongga itetch. ngayon lang ako nakaabot ng ganito karami. salamat fb, utang na loob itwu. at isa-isa kong binasa ang mga greeting nila na bonggang-bongga. pati si ton andun din. oh deebuh!, GL…ganda lang. naihi nga ako ng kunti eh.

pero sa lahat ng bumati, me isang na-shock talaga ang peg ko,


hanuraw, babygirl? baklaaaaaaa…pakshetttt!!!! in-out niya akoooo!!! nanlamig talaga ako at di ko alam kung pano mag-react. parang kinilig ako na parang nabigla na gulat na ewan! nag-isip isip muna ang bekang kung pano ako babawi na medyo hindi nman baklang-bakla ang dating kis sa paningin ng lahat.

“hahaha! praning. salamat boylet. lol”, sabay flash ng smiley face na me pearly white teeth kasi nag-beam toothpaste.

at ganun lang kasimple. wala nmang nagreact maliban sa ilang baklang nagtext na kinilig na alam na bektaz ako, mayet. haynaku. *fingers crossed

sana sa susunod na taon siya na ang babati

crush ko talaga xa. . .

lalo na pag ganito

blogger’s note: this is  a delayed post. sinadya ko po kasi maganda ako. walang relate. ang kumontra amoy tilapiang mukhang galunggong.

Photo Credits: (Rob Evans)