Biyernes, Setyembre 14, 2012

caterpillar moment

“dili na gyud na ihatag miga..” as it kept playing inside my head over and over again even at this time.
when can I have a boyfriend? this has always been a big question for me. i always fall for the wrong people and it has always been a secret admiration and a one-sided unrequited love. sometimes i am losing faith with love, corny. . .but i don’t wanna lose grip on hoping. i’ll be dead then.
i often daydream of a romantic date, imagining an intimate scenario with someone i haven’t met yet. yung tipong lahat panaginip lang, too good to be true at malabong magkatotoo? but the light of the daydream soon turned gray when something resonates to my brain like an earworm. it was something said. an unintentional statement
“dili na gyud na ihatag miga..”
i got a text from a long-lost friend na na-miss ko ng bongga, si janet inviting me to their town fiesta. unfortunately i had flu, “ ben, mi amiga. janet ni. libre ka? ali balay mista ta og aron mkachika ta!!! hehe” (ben, mi amiga. janet 'to. you free? it’s our fiesta. can u come over and so we can catch up!!) can’t drag my ass out of the house so i promised her a dinner date instead. we have so many catching-ups to do.
was really excited to see what my amiga has become. it has been more than a year since she worked abroad and we just apprised via facebook. she was an essential element to why i got guts to out myself to tonio, thus the email. i remember their controversial relationship with my best friend—who also happens to be a girl by the way—and always disclosing things with me, their issues and everything in-between.
she had been so sweet and nice ever since my best friend introduced us. at welcome na welcome ang pagiging baklang robot (badinggerzee!) ko sa kanya, me moral support at cheer pang kasama! i snuck into the restaurant entrance as it was raining hard. i got there first but she later arrived after a couple of minutes. “hi! omg!! gwapa na kay ka!!” (hi! omg!! ang ganda-ganda mo na!!), that wasn’t from her, but the reverse. “miga!!” as she put her soaked umbrella aside to greet me with a hug, “..musta na man ka?!” (musta ka na?!).
our conversation revolved around me talking about work, boys, my rants of me still being a virgin, and how i eluded a close sexual encounter. she was sharing about how her work and related how joyful she became after joining a Christian church. she and best friend have a new-found religion. it was kinda bittersweet to know that it was also one of the reasons their relationship ended. i remember i once joined a faction, but realized i had to pull myself out because i ain’t ready yet to deny myself and carry my cross. i also felt guilty knowing i can’t bring myself up in front of them (church friends) and reveal my true self, i was kind of me being untruthful about my identity, na beki belo ang totoo kung neym. kaloka!
 “hahaay, kanus-a pa kaha na ihatag akong knight miga. . .akong prince in shining armor.” (kelan kaya ibibigay ang knight ko, my prince in shining armor), i wearily sighed.
giving back a meaningful smile she finally told me
 “dili na gyud na ihatag miga..” (hindi na ‘yan ibibigay friend..).
up until now affected pa rin ang bakla sa sinabi niya. . . .
“dili na gyud na ihatag miga..”

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