Lunes, Oktubre 15, 2012

when loneliness sets in

i went out of my room to our backyard where i could gaze the luminosity and expanse of the sky: leafy and deep but filled with stars. the moonbeam and the shadow of the leaves brushing on my cheeks while the cold of the midnight’s rushing hugging my barely brawny frame. i imagined myself sitting atop the rocks staring and listening to the murmuring of the flowing brook; throwing my thoughts away to stream down together with its endless flow, the silver of the moonlight glistening. i can smell the peace of the earth at night. everyone in their pleasant slumber; half the world sleeps but not me. 

a friend to loneliness as i always am, it has been a regular almost a near constant thing for me to become sad even without any valid reason. i have grown too familiar with it that i’ve learned how to make most of the loneliness:  keeping myself busy at work, poetry, painting, or crafting, and even blogging are a few to say that when corresponds. and these i can say were very solitary things. when i am desolate it is when i’m inspired to do something i would become lifted after, 

then it feels better. 

but even with the inspiration that desolation has given me all through, it has its own objections as well—i feel sad. i feel sad because of words that were never spoken, my neglected emotions; i feel sad because it transcends from the frustrations i have been living with, with me dispensing some of my beliefs trying to conform and look things from the common perspective.

i was with a friend in a jeepney this morning when he told me he’s going back home; (w/c by the way is very far away). we were having an interesting conversation and i tried to be as cheerful as i can yet, it was kind of disheartening because was just beginning to find him interesting.. it’s really awful not having the certainty when could the next time you be seeing each other again. i really hated it and at that point i can’t raise my head while walking; i wanted to cry.

even with the company of good friends i still feel the desolation at times. something very superficial that it felt the hilarity of our chats appeared to have deserted me. perhaps it was just laughter but no happiness in it. i was shut and that was it loneliness once again kicks in. 

but the course of the ticking hours of the progressing night has brought me serenity at the moment—there at the backyard i found peace—an assurance that with everything that is going to happen, loneliness setting in, i still am lucky to find beauty amidst this cumbersome state of life.

before i went to sleep i have thought: i am a loner…and maybe forever i’ll be.

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