Lunes, Pebrero 27, 2012

ton: the email sent

hi Ton,

smile muna please..

before anything else i just would like to tell you this now: I HAVE BEEN ADMIRING YOU. yes, you read it right. i knew it when i first saw you. and if this gets into your nerves, I AM SORRY. you may be having a question in your head right now...and if you’re going to ask me that, my answer would be – YES, I AM. is there a need to  explain? it’s just that i can’t be too elaborate, don’t want to draw attention. and besides, iba’t-iba ang mga pananaw natin. some are open-minded, but unfortunately some are not. it might stir people’s disapproval specially at the work place.

it has been a while since ive been keeping this. i really am trying not to let this get into my work but guess my initial plan hasn't worked that well. can't help but get carried away. and when you’re around, i try not to put any attention on you;give compliments on the work well done; or even just a glance at your direction, to not add memories piling up making me recall at the end of the day...

every day’s a battle for me. i’m always in conflict with myself whether to be rational or, to just follow what my heart is otherwise saying. it is very diffficult. every single day i have to hold back. there were times i wanted to speak but i have to be quiet. i have to keep every single thing to myself. every single time i have to calculate my actions and keep still and maintain composure..and it’s frustrating that the more i hide things the more i got drawn to you, the more i long for your presence...

Ton this is how my situation is every day. and most of the time i live in assumptions created by thoughts with no solid proofs, that you could also get to remember me somehow; that somehow i could also just pop into your head and that you were also thinking of me; and that you also feel the same way towards me. (o diba napaka-assuming!) but suddenly awaken by the fact that, those would be too impossible to happen and you are too impossible...given the few obvious reasons. sometimes i get to asking myself na lang: kailan kaya darating ang Ton ko?..

i hope this is no big deal to you. i am telling you these because i wanna be free. i know i can’t keep this forever. i feel like losing my sanity if this would stay longer in me. so whether okay lang sa’yo o hindi, it doesn’t matter. maybe you have issues with people like me, i don’t know. what matters now is that i took enough courage and made this secret known to you. and i think it’s only fair enough you will know. lately kasi i have been trying to learn and practise being sincere and honest about how i feel. we are not getting any younger and regrets come to follow when time get past us. and there would be no chances anymore to bring it all back like how it was back then. i don’t want to live with What-ifs and Could’ve-beens..

this is one risk i am to take seldom in my life. one great risk kasi maaring di mo na ako irespeto, and from all the people who would eventually know about this. please keep this to yourself lang muna as for now. i hope you can.
  
medyo mahirap din being in my shoes. we face a different kind of pressure everyday. we get laughed and ridiculed pa by people. it’s so lucky for you you belong to the category of the straights. but being straight is just TOO common for me!...hehehe but seriously you know what?, if sexual preference is a decision,  i would have of course chosen to be straight talaga. the thing is it is NOT a choice. it is INNATE. INBORN. NATURAL. and NEITHER an illness nor an epidemic. i hope you will understand.

perhaps i was just too comfortable with my comfort zone that i got bored. got fed-up of the usual routine i do from day-to-day. sometimes we feel the need to try to do something we think is beyond what we could do. always wanted to get out of my fence and experience what it feels like to walk and run on the other side of the field (and slide down the rainbow). and so i did step out. right now i am on this other side and i like it here. though i still have no idea of what be the consequences but i'd rather be free. i want to see the light and there is no other way except to be honest about myself. i do believe in God yes, His Greatness and His unconditional Love regardless of the kind of people we are and to what category we belong. and because of that it gave me the courage to step up, and be out. i think that's agreeable enough.

as i was writing you this i am horrified to what this letter would do on you. it might stir anger or disrespect. and honestly, i still am having second thoughts whether to continue sending this or not. i don’t know how are you going to react on this. if you have violent reactions please let me know. i won’t mind and i think will  understand.

tomorrow as we again go about our work i hope everything will be fine. that all my negative assumptions would remain fiction. na wala naman pala talagang issue ito sa ‘yo at ako lang ang gumagawa ng sarili kong multo..and that everything will be well and okay. i also hope you are going to be okay after reading this. as with me you have nothing to worry about because i have prepared myself already.

umaasa ako na di mababago ang tingin at respeto mo sa akin. i still am that same old me – mukhang tahimik pero madaldal pala, intimidating pero di nman talaga, medyo tanga pero cute, estrikto este estrikta pala...hehehehe, kidding. this is just a heck of a CRUSH thing anyway (it’s so highschool db?!) so kung di ka okay na me mag-aadmire sa‘yo hayaan mo na lang, wala nman akong magagawa dyan. at di rin nman kita didisturbuhin knowing that you already are happy with someone. i can’t stick my oar in.

... just let someone know what he deserves to know.”

and on that note ends this drama. thank you for taking time reading this quite long letter.
and, THANK YOU for being one of the source of inspiration for me to work and live.
ciao...ay, charot pala. :D  


ben

Huwebes, Pebrero 16, 2012

ton


it has been a while since i last saw you—when we crossed paths that one sweltering summer day and i pretended to not notice you. i didn’t know how to react at the moment and what to say, after all. i was wearing my sunglasses that anybody could barely see my eyes. was really trying hard to look as if, but deep inside kumakabog ang buong kalamnan ko. malaki ang gusto ko sa'yo mula umpisa at kahit takot akong ipaalam iyon sa iyo ginawa ko pa rin. hindi ko nalaman ang naging reaction mo ‘til recently.  alam kong nakita mo rin ako dahil lumingon ka’t gusto mo akong tawagin pero wari mo siguro’y nagmamadali ako kaya’t di mo nalang tinuloy. at masyadong mabilis ang mga pangyayari at nawala natin ang isat isa ng ganon lang kasandali.

even at that short, very short amount of time the thoughts that have run through my mind after that encounter swept me through eternity. oo corny na kung corny. palagi akong dinadala ng aking isip papunta pabalik sa oras nung tayo’y nagkasalubong. iniisip ko palagi na kung maibabalik sana ang panahon, sana’y tinawag na kita at di na ako nailang. i could have gambled, but how i have wasted the chance. di ko kasi alam, akala ko magagalit ka sa pinadala kong email. kahit na gaano ko man inasam na mauulit pa ang pagkakataong 'yon ay hindi na ito naulit.

i was browsing through the recent stories on my fb one day when i saw your new profile pic. shett ang gwapo mo talaga. agad kitang minessage telling you how i have appreciated your new fb face. hindi na talaga ako nahiya. dati pa nman akong walang hiya pagdating sa iyo eh. ewan ko ba kung bakit ang gaang lang ng loob ko at napaka komportable ko sa’yo (feeling super close?). naalala ko pa nung nakita kong inadd mo’ko sa fb agad kitang inaccept ng walang patumpik-tumpik. at, sinabi ko pa talaga sa iyo na nagulat ako pero napakasaya ko’t nakita ko yung friend request mo. parang ang babaw-babaw lang pero yon talaga ang naramdaman ko sa panahong yon.

natawa ka sa message ko nung sinabi kong gusto kong humingi ng copy ng fb profile pic mo. pantakot sa daga?, naaliw nman ako sa sinabi mo. hindi nman agad kong sabi. ipapaprint ko lang at ilalagay sa ilalim ng unan para palagi na kitang mapanaginipan, dagdag ko pa. natuwa ka at pinagbigyan mo nman ako sa aking hiling. pag me panahon ako mine-message kita sa fb—nangungumusta, nagpapacute, at nagpaparamdam. hindi ko alintana na sa ginagawa ko maari akong masaktan. i once remembered telling myself to let you go off my grasp na. you’re just too impossible for me at batid kong kung ano man ang nararamdaman ko sa’yo, ay hindi mo ito maaring suklian kasi kilala kita. . . kasi hindi ang tulad ko ang gusto mo.

nitong bago lang me malaking nangyari sa buhay mo. batid ko ang saya mo dahil minsan ko na rin iyong naranasan. hindi mo maipaliwanag ang iyong kasiyahan na kulang na lang pasalamatan mo pati taong di mo kilala. alam kong me magbabago sa atin at sa pakikitungo mo sa akin dahil sa nangyari, di ko lang alam kung maganda ba o ang kabaliktaran. basta ang alam ko lang naging masaya na rin ako para sa iyo. behind all that, something’s running at the back of my head that its nature i cannot yet explain. ewan ko ba, parang me kaba na me saya at me anticipation ng kunti. i just hoped that this is not me merely expecting something. ayokong umasa kasi di ko rin alam talaga kung saan ito lahat patungo. ma-didissappoint lang ako.

ngayon, masaya akong sabihin na we have agreed to meet on a dinner. yes my dear bekis, a dinner date hopefully this coming weekend. gusto  ko nga sana sa Vday eh pero me family affair sila at hindi pwede  sa schedule niya. hindi ko maipaliwanag ang kaba at kilig ko sa mga oras na isinusulat ko ito. masaya ako kasi nung niyaya kita, sinabi ko lang na wag magreply kung ayaw, or leave a smiley face kung payag. pero nagreply ka with explanation, na di pwede sa Vday dahil me na-set ka nang sked with your family. bumawi ka nman kaagad at di mo na ako pinahirapan sa aking hiling (easy boy? hehehe). at oo, ako ang humiling ng meet-up na ito at kinapalan ko na talaga mukha ko. naisip ko kasi, walang mangyayari kung hindi ako mag-iinitiate, hindi ako masyadong maganda para sa iyo.

sana maganda ang maging kalalabasan ng first date ko, at nating dalawa. sana makikisama ang panahon at ito ay papanig sa atin. sana sumang-ayon ang pagkakataon sa lahat ng maaring masabi, sasabihin, at mangyayari. at sa pagkakataong ito masabi ko na sana ang tunay na niluloob ko, that i don’t just like you Ton. . .that those quiet thoughts and words have grown into something profound, deep and definite. that i’m beginning to fall for you  and that i, will little by little on my own subtle ways, try to win you no matter what the cost.

Huwebes, Pebrero 09, 2012

mai-share lang

we were in boracay last weekend. 'twas my first time there and i really enjoyed the sights, sounds and the semi-naked people walking around with no cares. true indeed that the powder-like sand beaches of the island is distinctive not to mention the long stretch of beach and its caribbean blue and torquoise crystal waters. at first i was curious about the hype this popular summer destination has by the media, written or on whatever means, until i got there.

it was past 4pm when we set foot to the island proper. basking at the warm champagne sun, was the most peaceful moment for me. my eyes swept across the bay as nude (i mean, not totally nude) men & women walking around also having the moment of their lives. parang ang saya-saya lang ng lahat, at ang sarap sarap tikman ng mga nag gagwapuhang lalake.

speaking of and in relation of this post to the other ones i posted, hindi mawawala sa usapan ang mga lalake. oo mga bektazlalake. syempre nman noh makakalimutan ba yan? doon hungdameeeeng lalake te. parang isang napakalaking buffet table lang xa na nakahilera lang nman ang lahat ng ulam na gusto mong kainin. me american dish, european, black, korean, other asians, at syempre pinoy at marami pa. nakakatakam deebuh?

our stay there did'nt last as much as would like to but indeed we had fun. na-stress nga yung mata at leeg ko sa kakatingin at kakalingon eh. babalik ang bakla ditosinabi ko sa sarili. i haven't experienced a place with so much fun spirit. leisure, relaxation, sports, adventure, food, anything you could possibly think of was there if not all. at babalikan ko lang yung dishes na sinasabi kez, sa tingin ko, after seeing all those men from around the world, sa pinoy pa rin talaga akez bibili bektaz. iba nga talaga ang dating sa akin ng mga ekals natin te. masasarap nman ang mga foreigners pero ang pinoy iba eh...one of the things i realized when i had the time of my life there.






Huwebes, Pebrero 02, 2012

almost got myself into a....what?! (the conclusion)

previously. . .

"i'm by the gate", sabi ng friend ko nagtext na daw, naghihintay na daw sila sa amin. ODK! (O Diyos Ko!)...hindi ko na to kaya. iniisip ko na ang mangyayari . . .

* * * * * *

we bought cigarettes and some checheria from a nearby mall and so we’re a bit late when we got there. a couple of minutes of waiting when came this guy wearing a violet-colored shirt and shorts, simple lang xa, and told us he's there to pick us up. we later  found out his name was harry. quite a pleasant guy, chinito, maputi at me itsura rin naman. he was at first hesitant and shy but eventually slowly loosened up. and i really mean, loosened up.

“hmmm..pwede itey, bet!” ang nasabi ko sa sarili at the sight of his long-lost highschool classmate whose name was wensor. i was expecting a pack of boys but when we got to the house there were only two. “but where are the boys?”, i was quietly complaining to my friend. “ssshhh..tumigil ka nga, buti nga’t me dalawa eh!”, asar niyang sabi. hindi pa nga kami nakaka-inom itong dalanghirang friend ko lumabas na agad ang kagagahan at bunuking niyang bakla akuala lumpur! shett bukelya na kung bukelya..umayos ka bakla at baka mabato ka ng bote at yelo.

because of the premature outing i was instantly put on the hot seat and the boys started throwing questions. it was my moment and i would answer all their questions with grace and smile, feeling ganda ko lang. “me jowa ka na ba?” “marami akong kilala, gusto mo bang bigyan kita?” “payag ka bang dalawa titira sa’yo kaya mo?” – mga ganitong klaseng hirit lang nman ang binabato nila sa akin. alam kong namangha lang sila kasi hindi nga nman talaga ako halata at...nagagandahan lang sila sa kanilang kausap. charot.

the spirit of Emperador quickly entoxicated me. my sense of balance and coordination now slowly losing and my face numb. i was not quite sure how I was able to answer all their questions but what i’m sure about was that i answered all of it na me kasamang landi. at sobrang palangiti ko pala pag nalasing.

as the night progressed, i noticed that the talk became cheap and that we needed to go. harry, now very loquacious took initiative to accompany us to our ride. hannah, now boisterous suddenly became touchy (hindi sa akin te) and was acting out of control. “ano ba nangyayari sa ‘yo tumabi ka nga baka masagasaan ka!”, she was literally on the middle of the road waiting for our taxi.

a taxi came few minutes after. nung sasakay na kami, bigla niyang hinatak si harry para ipasakay at wala na itwung masyadong nagawa.

******

we found the three of us including harry in a motel. i was lying on the bed and the two were on the sofa making out. i was on a supine facing opposite their direction and all I could hear  was their kisses and the sound of the porn movie shown on the tv. was in an awkward position and cannot put myself to sleep. i was half awake and my head and body aching. as it progressed, i heard clothes and belts and other stuffs one by one fell on the floor. shett, they’re now taking it all off. i got curious and really wanted to turn around to see them doing.

the moans and kisses have now become louder, in the rhythm as loud as the moans in the porn movie. oh my!, i'm in a live porn show and will this progress into a threesome?, not i hope. i can hear the pounding of my boobs as i was not yet certain on what's gonna happen. harry is a sweet guy but i didn’t find him that attractive. i don’t want him to be my first. “please…please…do this to my friend!..” hannah kept yelling. what?! what did she just say?..whoaow. ODK! what have i got myself into!

a few minutes later i heard someone was on the shower when suddenly, something was moving on the bed. “holy shit! what are you doing?” i startled when i saw hannah climbing the bed towards me with barely a clothing. “it’s your turn…i’m done with him..”, she grins. “you’re insane..he’s not my type and you’re scaring the hell of me..” i was really horrified the moment she climbed up the bed, thought it was harry and she was the one using the shower.

“hey, im going to the shower to brief him first..you better prepare.” “no, you’re not doing that. you can do what you guys want but iI’m not doing it with him..he’s not my type!..” “hey, just do what i say..we're here and this is your chance okay…you better do it good. you wait here..” she said whispering.

she entered the shower. the toilet wall was built from glass blocks translucent enough that i could see them once again making out. what the heck is happening? what am i doing in this place with a girl and a guy? i quickly collecteded my things and flew out of the place as quickly and quietly as i did. i was afraid that when they both get out of the shower and me still there i won’t have any more excuses to make. i knew hannah’s gonna follow me outside the moment she knew i flew out of the room. i was paying the bill when the front officer made a call to our room, standard operating procedure. she could have instructed the front officer to make me wait because she put me on hold, but i was too insistent to go and she can’t do anything about it.

it was 15 minutes to 3:00am when i got home and hannah was still texting me. i never got the chance to read it all til the morning. harry did too and they both were so apologetic. it was ironic and funny.

hell of an experience i almost got myself into a threesome. it could have been that my most anticipated first was a threesome with a girl friend and a guy i didn’t much like. and oh, up til now i still have the creeps, not to mention the very bad headache the morning i got up. harry and wensor texted me a week after inviting me over at their place. and this time they wanted me to go there alone. i was wondering what kind of drink I wanted to have (or swallow) when they will offer, hmmm?.. i don’t know how long I could say  i’m still busy knowing wensor’s gonna be there and they both want to do it with me...them together.