smile muna please..
before anything else i just would like to tell you this now: I HAVE BEEN ADMIRING YOU. yes, you read it right. i knew it when i first saw you. and if this gets into your nerves, I AM SORRY. you may be having a question in your head right now...and if you’re going to ask me that, my answer would be – YES, I AM. is there a need to explain? it’s just that i can’t be too elaborate, don’t want to draw attention. and besides, iba’t-iba ang mga pananaw natin. some are open-minded, but unfortunately some are not. it might stir people’s disapproval specially at the work place.
it has been a while since ive been keeping this. i really am trying not to let this get into my work but guess my initial plan hasn't worked that well. can't help but get carried away. and when you’re around, i try not to put any attention on you;give compliments on the work well done; or even just a glance at your direction, to not add memories piling up making me recall at the end of the day...
every day’s a battle for me. i’m always in conflict with myself whether to be rational or, to just follow what my heart is otherwise saying. it is very diffficult. every single day i have to hold back. there were times i wanted to speak but i have to be quiet. i have to keep every single thing to myself. every single time i have to calculate my actions and keep still and maintain composure..and it’s frustrating that the more i hide things the more i got drawn to you, the more i long for your presence...
Ton this is how my situation is every day. and most of the time i live in assumptions created by thoughts with no solid proofs, that you could also get to remember me somehow; that somehow i could also just pop into your head and that you were also thinking of me; and that you also feel the same way towards me. (o diba napaka-assuming!) but suddenly awaken by the fact that, those would be too impossible to happen and you are too impossible...given the few obvious reasons. sometimes i get to asking myself na lang: kailan kaya darating ang Ton ko?..
i hope this is no big deal to you. i am telling you these because i wanna be free. i know i can’t keep this forever. i feel like losing my sanity if this would stay longer in me. so whether okay lang sa’yo o hindi, it doesn’t matter. maybe you have issues with people like me, i don’t know. what matters now is that i took enough courage and made this secret known to you. and i think it’s only fair enough you will know. lately kasi i have been trying to learn and practise being sincere and honest about how i feel. we are not getting any younger and regrets come to follow when time get past us. and there would be no chances anymore to bring it all back like how it was back then. i don’t want to live with What-ifs and Could’ve-beens..
this is one risk i am to take seldom in my life. one great risk kasi maaring di mo na ako irespeto, and from all the people who would eventually know about this. please keep this to yourself lang muna as for now. i hope you can.
medyo mahirap din being in my shoes. we face a different kind of pressure everyday. we get laughed and ridiculed pa by people. it’s so lucky for you you belong to the category of the straights. but being straight is just TOO common for me!...hehehe but seriously you know what?, if sexual preference is a decision, i would have of course chosen to be straight talaga. the thing is it is NOT a choice. it is INNATE. INBORN. NATURAL. and NEITHER an illness nor an epidemic. i hope you will understand.
perhaps i was just too comfortable with my comfort zone that i got bored. got fed-up of the usual routine i do from day-to-day. sometimes we feel the need to try to do something we think is beyond what we could do. always wanted to get out of my fence and experience what it feels like to walk and run on the other side of the field (and slide down the rainbow). and so i did step out. right now i am on this other side and i like it here. though i still have no idea of what be the consequences but i'd rather be free. i want to see the light and there is no other way except to be honest about myself. i do believe in God yes, His Greatness and His unconditional Love regardless of the kind of people we are and to what category we belong. and because of that it gave me the courage to step up, and be out. i think that's agreeable enough.
as i was writing you this i am horrified to what this letter would do on you. it might stir anger or disrespect. and honestly, i still am having second thoughts whether to continue sending this or not. i don’t know how are you going to react on this. if you have violent reactions please let me know. i won’t mind and i think will understand.
tomorrow as we again go about our work i hope everything will be fine. that all my negative assumptions would remain fiction. na wala naman pala talagang issue ito sa ‘yo at ako lang ang gumagawa ng sarili kong multo..and that everything will be well and okay. i also hope you are going to be okay after reading this. as with me you have nothing to worry about because i have prepared myself already.
umaasa ako na di mababago ang tingin at respeto mo sa akin. i still am that same old me – mukhang tahimik pero madaldal pala, intimidating pero di nman talaga, medyo tanga pero cute, estrikto este estrikta pala...hehehehe, kidding. this is just a heck of a CRUSH thing anyway (it’s so highschool db?!) so kung di ka okay na me mag-aadmire sa‘yo hayaan mo na lang, wala nman akong magagawa dyan. at di rin nman kita didisturbuhin knowing that you already are happy with someone. i can’t stick my oar in.
“... just let someone know what he deserves to know.”
and on that note ends this drama. thank you for taking time reading this quite long letter.
and, THANK YOU for being one of the source of inspiration for me to work and live.
ciao...ay, charot pala. :D