Lunes, Mayo 21, 2018

i slept in a room with a dead dog by my bedside

you  were once a  beast, but that soon changed when you were about to be given up & eliminated except that i refused, and that i have to take you into my room just to spare you. from there you started to show me you were  not the beast they thought you to be. you were just a brave soul refusing to give up or get beaten by awful things a human can do. that you just needed to protect yourself. that you were fully misunderstood.

out of mercy i made a quiet promise to shoulder responsibility of taking care of you and your  needs whatever it takes. we co-lived together in my small room. it was a rigorous task to take at first taking-in  another life with me. despite that you never asked too much & you never seem to complain. to be honest, i was not able give  you all the comfort, neither every little time and detail but for you, what you had was already enough.

sometimes when i hit rock-bottom i had to move you closer to my bed to share those times with you. and amazingly, pain will disappear.

sometimes i went out-of-town for days or weeks and would forget about you but you didn’t fail to remind me every time i got back, that someone had patiently waited  and upon hearing my voice on the doorstep you would get frantically excited. even on some short errands when i had to be out for a few hours you were the first one to greet me excitedly when i’m back as if telling that you’ve been alone for a while and you became worried once again.

ten years seemed long but not quite for me. it just felt like yesterday when i had to walk you to the backyard…or scratch your back and pet you…or bathe you clean...or simply enjoying each other’s company. you were an unsung friend that i kept and lived with from day to day. and those basic things made you happy.

at some point in my quiet moments just staring at you, i realized i could hear my fear of either of us losing the other. and i thought that was a strange idea. departure—how could i think about that? i got so used to the lifestyle of having you around that you’ve become so part of my everyday schedule, so part of  my routine. so part of me.  we may not speak each other’s language but in our hearts we understood every bit of one another.

..but then again that dreaded day has finally come, for you.

this time i might not be able to refuse. even if i wanted  to  spare you a bit longer i may not be able to do it anymore. i noticed you became a lot more sleepy and you would skip some meals. one meal, two meals, eventually goes skipping meals for several days.  i remember going out just to buy our favorite food only when i gave some, you just wagged your tail slightly and laid back down. i was worrying. i knew you loved going to the backyard every morning so i’d take you there longer than i'd usually do, but one morning, you didn't get up. or maybe you became too weak to get up. from that minute i knew: your destiny has brought you to this point. if only i have  the power to stop you from getting old, frail, and weak. 

you would stay close to my bed and i would stroke your head & would repeatedly whisper your name to your ear  the same way i would often call you out to let you know that i was there and that you weren’t alone in the room, hoping it would give you the courage to hold on or better yet, help ease whatever pain you felt at those moments. as if to acknowledge the gesture, you would weakly wag your tail and shortly after that you would again lay your head down. those were the final days.

that night of 19th May 2018, i slept with that empty vessel you left by my bedside lying on the floor stiff. i buried it the following morning with my brother.

i sincerely hope you felt my gratitude—my four-legged angel. i never thought that i’d share some uniquely profound company, but i will make myself at peace with what remains.. that something thoughtful could be shared by two different beings of two different souls. i have long accepted your gratitude of becoming a part of our family with me  as  your big brother. everything may have not been perfect, but the most important thing was that we gracefully expended those years together with mutual respect, and made most of what was temporarily available.

though this is heavy i’m letting you free and know that you won’t have to worry, i can assure it’s a lot easier and beautiful there. you will be better. i won’t leave out from this pain too soon for it’s a beautiful kind of pain—the kind that reminds me of the good times, the bad, the ordinary and exceptional moments you and i witnessed together and that i wanted you to know that forever, you and the stashes of good remembrances of Tingkoy will be safely kept in the deepest of my fond memories.

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